Mata ke bumi, hati ke langit

Monday, July 31, 2006

Delete it or go on?

I had this feeling to delete this blog or whatever blogs I have, and all the friendster and My Space profiles I have. A sickening thought yes, considering that I’ve taken so much time during my final second year to build up all of these and suddenly I just want to throw it like it is some kind of rubbish. Well, yeah now it seems rubbish to me, and need to be throw away in garbage far, far away. That thought just occurred to me when I was wasting time wondering on what more useful things I should do. And it just came to me that blogging is a waste of times, I have no use of blogging anymore, moreover I’m not good at writing, I don’t write correct English, I make mistakes, simple grammar mistakes sometimes and people read. I can’t convey whatever feelings I have into words; I just don’t have the talent. And some of the posts look too childish, immature and dense. It’s like I was making no point in continuing this blog. No absolute solid point. All these premises seem to make good arguments but then…..

I wonder why I built this blog the first time. Why am I wasting my whole week trying to update it? Why I have to write it in English when I can use my own mother tongue? Just, why? I know back then, I love blogging, it gave me the satisfaction of knowing that I have a place where I can express just anything I feel, I can say freely anything that’s in my mind, it’s one of the place that I can run away from the real world, it’s a place where I can be me. Weird, though. I made new friends, new online friends who I never saw them faces. But I grew to like them. I want to write and I want to share, that’s why I made this blog, I need someone to read about what I think of this world, what I think about this life and, I want to go worldwide, I want to know more people who might share the same thought like me, I want to learn how the other Muslim friends in the other part of the world think and react, that’s why I make it in English. Also, there are people who do read my blog. And one more important thing, I want to do da’wa. This is the true niyyah, this is it, when I found this one strong reason, I realized, that if I really want to do da’wa, I have to be strong, I have to have knowledge. I have to be consistent; I should talk with al-ilm. I guess I have to learn more and not be scared of the real world I’m facing now.

If I delete all my blogs, I have no satisfaction left for me. If I let it go on, I know I have to trust my own self into getting it going much, much better. Besides I have a responsibility on the other blog which I’m one of the contributors, so I just need to be strong and hold myself together. I must no be defeated by weaknesses inside me. I’ve to finish what I’ve started, right? Stopping in the middle wouldn’t do me any good either; it will make me regret more.

Anyway, this is another post of my nothing-so-important-to-share. I’m kind of paranoid about having blog sometimes, that’s some of the what-can-be-called-symptoms of DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). Creating some new, nice thought to run away from some bad, past memory. Ha! Sounds scary, huh! I’m okay, though. Just as good as other normal human being. =>

See ya!

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Assalamualaikum teman-teman, terima kasih kerana sudi meninggalkan jejak bicara kamu, sekurang-kurang kalian telah hadir menceriakan hari-hari saya di persimpangan ini. Jazakumullah!!