When Head In Hands

 (Warning: I don't know, I think this entry is psychotic, you'll have your head in your hands in the end - but don't worry, it should be a win-win one and there's no harm done during the production of this entry *wink^wink*)

When things are getting somewhat upside down from what you’ve been planning, when problems bustling so sudden you don’t know where it came from, when you don’t know what cause what or how this came to be this, that it’s already bad without that interfering with that, you’re all messed up and you don’t even know where to begin to stop what had caused it. When head in hands, you’re all but thinking, is this what life is all about? And that sudden thought of removing yourself from the surface of earth forever kept jostling up until you realize that you’re going much much too far…

Then you start blaming people, others who you think had made it all worse on all accounts...

Thank you very much to the people around you who act like they understand you more than you do yourself, and those who seems to think that they’re taking care of your life like you don’t care about it anymore than they do. They kept jutting fingers in your life and think that they’re doing a very good job all the while without knowing they’re damaging your dream life that you’ve built so hard you felt like you'd kill that someone who ruined it. This people who think that, whatever you do, are all wrong in their perfect eyes and decided that you should understand their demand while they mend your life. What do you call this kind of people, huh?

Later after that, hatred starts building inside you. You hate these people; you loath them to the core of your existence. In your defiance, they are the one who created all these madness. You didn't do anything wrong. You know you need guidance but not from these kind of people, not when you alone understand what you’re going through that you’d cried so much you can’t cry anymore. You want to run, to go away from this depression but you’d got nowhere to run because the bad news is you can’t even run. Check mate! Ha Ha. How much worse can it be, huh?

The worst of it is you keep all these misery to nobody but yourself. You can’t confide with anyone because for you, they can’t understand whatever it is you’re going through. 'Everybody got problems', that's what they're going to say. It’s hard enough having to explain to them, let alone making them understand you. You’re having these delusions like forever until you’re immune to it and you don’t care anymore what anyone else said. You create another world; the world where you hide your face under masks of pretense, where you can forget all the despair, the wretchedness that’s been burdening you and you’re happy with this make up life although you wish so much that you can stop all this for once.

Oh, you’ve heard all the remedies for the suffering soul, but nothing so much near that can cure your wounded heart.

Finally, it leaves you nothing. No solution and you’re tired of wearing the false facade while the inside of you is crushing to bits. What else could you do? All the sadness, the unhappiness, the hatred; its eating you up slowly and you’re becoming weaker and weaker - unnoticed by you; you’re actually becoming someone else. Poor soul.

You’ve got to go somewhere else. Somewhere where you can be you, where you can start a fresh new life - of which you know seems like impossible for you...

Ironically - beyond all the revulsion - deep down inside your heart, you know, there's still one hope left that hold up your dignity; the true one who knows all the answers to all your absurd questions. It’s Him. Who has been listening to all your prayers, your broken heart miseries, and your stupid, childish, selfish grumbling. He knows it all even the tiniest bit of your heart whispering. But sometimes, He just don’t want to unleash it right in front of your eyes, (yeah, sometimes even I think that’s kind of unfair - I mean it's unfair to give something the moment someone ask for it - we'll be spoil) He wants you to learn it by yourself, to find the real meaning of life and to understand the value of being only a human. Hit the mat, He’d said and be patience, help will surely come in ways you never imagine. 

When head in hands, what'll you do?