English : The whole new world

(Saya masih mencintai Bahasa Melayu. Sekadar melepaskan rindu dendam menulis dalam Bahasa Inggeris tiada salahnyakan?)

I remember, back in primary school where I started to learn and love English Language, my English teacher who really wanted to see her student like me getting good marks in this subject created this one game called (Oh, it really doesn't have any name actually) in which everyone must write down what's in our heart head on a draft paper in English in a given time. So, she set the seconds and there we go, writing to the full content of our heart. Sounds of pencils scribbling could clearly be heard in the silence ticking of the class big round clock hanging solemnly on the front dusty wall above the blackboard (It's an old school and that we were all too short to reach the ceiling). Then, finally the 30 seconds were up and she halted us to stop.

"Okay, who's going to read hers first?'', asked my teacher excitedly.

As expected, no hands up in the air. So, she started calling names.

"Melissa Chew".

A girl with a straight black hair tied back in one tidy ponytail stood up from her chair and started to read her paper. She got a loud applause from the class and the teacher called out another name. A girl at the back stood up and read her almost-full-paper-with-words at the top of her lung. No doubt though, she's the class debater. Then the class started suggesting some names too, mostly those who are famous or that had title (prefects, librarians, vice club presidents etc.) in the school. Someone, I remember her being a prefect at that time, stood up and read hers when her name was called out several time by the class.

"Pencils, rubber, pen, pencil box, textbooks, color pencils, rough papers, chocolates, ruler and watch", then everybody started laughing. Apparently she just wrote things she saw on her table. Clever girl. So several other names were called out and everybody proudly read theirs while I was praying silently under my breath. Don't call out my name, don't call out my name, don't call out...

"What about you, Balqis? Can you share your thought with us", she was already looking at me by the time I looked at her back.

OMG, why me? Being a respected introvert in the English class, I merely shook my head. And a surprise almost bulging round eyes stared at me back plus some weird 'uhs and ahs' sounds made from all the 42 girls in the class. Oh yeah, it’s an all girls school.

"No? What do you mean no? You don't want to share?”

I stood up slowly, unwillingly. I hold the paper steadily, removing all the fears that enveloped me, and then I read, word by word,

"I - don't - know...” stammering, I could not continue. My extremities were cold. My hands were trembling. I looked at my teacher.

"Is that all?” she asked me, half surprise and half believing. Then she walked to my table, which was not very far from her as I was sitting in the front row. She grabbed the paper and...

"That is all".

"Yeah", was all that came out from my mouth. And when I thought she was about to let out some angry words, all she said was,

"You should've tried harder. I know there are lots of thing in your head. You just cannot make it into words, right? It's okay if the grammars are wrong. It's your thinking, your thought. Who says that the grammar must be right?” and it soothed me down a bit but somehow, I can felt inside of me, the horrible guiltiness swelling up to no boundary.

The truth is - I hadn't written anything on the paper. When the 30 seconds finished, my paper was still blank. There were was nothing in my head. I was a complete blank when it comes to writing in English. What I want to say was all in Malay. How could I make the simple Malay phrases turn into English and scribble it down in just 30 seconds? Impossible. Totally impossible. The little bit I read was mere spontaneous ideas that I could think of in the niche of time to help covered my undone task.

Yes, cheating I was, it didn’t help me out from total embarrassment. Everybody was looking at me disbelievingly thinking - how could I make an easy task looked hard? It was just so unacceptable to them. It was a very bitter memory yet and one of many that I could never forget my whole life because in some way, it did changed my life. The impact wasn’t that big, but the real meaning of it, I braved myself stepping out from the safety zone I made and learn what I was once afraid to learn – the English language. Looking back from where I stood now, I could not believe that the girl was me. A denial is what I would make. I wish that I could do the game just once more and read it out loud so that everybody could hear my thought. Teacher, I don’t know what to write here, so I thought I would tell this story. If by any chance you pass by here, I couldn’t read it to you but this is what I thought and so I write it here - thank you.

Thank you for spending your precious time reading this stupid entry until the end. Sorry for the unexpected ‘lengthiness’ and 'emptiness' of this entry. No comment is fine for me because just the thought of you reading this had already made me happy. But  I'd be much happier if you would leave one! Arigatou na, minna-san!!

p/s : If you're an expert in English, please mind my grammar! (Ha-ha)

Berakit-rakit ke hulu,

Bersenang-senang kemudian,

Bersenang-senang dahulu,

Bersakit-sakit kemudian.

Bilalah nak mula ulangkaji, ni!

Isk~